Paranoia

Beberapa minggu sudah, kekasih was caught red-handed ber"mesra" dengan wanita lain (kawan beliau) kat FB chat..

Menurut kekasih, it was a pure, genuine joke antara dua sahabat from tmpt keje yang sama tapi standed le ai perempuan.. over reacting melampau sehinggakan kekasih menjadi serba salah and distracted teruk kat tempat keje..

Yes, kekasih admitted that he went beyond the limit and something called "nakal lelaki" possessed and took over him yang menyebabkan beliau bertindak sedemikian rupa..

I wont take the blame and mengaku that I misunderstood the situation because, I am far more smarter to do something yang most girls do - that is to admit that when your kekasih screws up, it is nothing but your fault.. It was his fault and he went through a horrible week trying to fix it.. I wont take the blame for it either because you shouldnt do a crime if you cant do the time, if you know what I'm saying??

So yeah, kekasih convinced me that it was unintentional bla bla bla...(but am I convinced?)

You see, we have been together for 3 years and it had been a looong hundreds of days we went through without him screwing up.. and to catch him doing something like that memang tak pernah diduga sebab it is not his nature selama 3 tahun tu... I can be sure, fricking sure, that itu bukan habit dia..

So dalam keadaan yang bengang.. i have no choice but to forgive him..but that doesnt mean that I must forget about it..

And that has become a problem because it has turned into a mild paranoia...

I dont know how not to forget about it and create a thin line there from stepping into the paranioa zone because clearly, i think I have become a little paranoid tentang the idea of him, ada kawan perempuan.

Each time he has unfamiliar girl names with cute profile pictures di frenlist dia, i misti akan tanya dia... and i have become a person i truly hate sebab i was not ever like that sebelum kejadian chatting bersama rakan setempat kerja di atas..

Why has this suddenly become a problem.. Kalau i diletakkan kat tempat dia.. I confirm akan lemas but I cant help it. He said please jgn berhenti percaya kat dia but percaya is something earned, not something you give away sesuka ati right?? and he repeatedly said that it was an honest mistake and i should believe him, shouldn't i?

So, tonight I browsed frenlist kat FB kekasih and ada he has few newly approved friends.

One friend caught my eye... Nama setended la budak2 sekarang guna.. elisha la felisha.. bangsa sha sha ni.. and she had a very cute profile picture.. gatal je tangan nak terus telepon kekasih dan interrogate dia.. 

Kekasih cakap tak kenal.. then i asked if tak kenal how come u add dia?

Kekasih kata dia nak tambah kawan.. kawan dia sikit sangat kot..

So i said, why must add awek2 chun?

He said most probably sebab budak tu kawan kepada kawan dia kot..

And kekasih terus begged.. please la percaya kat dia and that he wont do perkara2 yang bodoh lagi.. 

And i have this weird habit where I TRULY HATE LELAKI YANG COLLECT AWEK CHUN KAT FB.. You think this type of guys tak exists, it does.. cemana nak tau.. Browse through frenlist dia and you can see rakan2nya tergolong daripada awek2 yang posing maut dan yang cantik2 belaka.. Kawan lelaki secoet je.. Most of the time they dont even have guts pon tak tegur awek2 ni.. just cukup sebagai koleksi je.. Mereka ini saya bilang LOSER gila.. 


Here are some example taken from a friend dalam my frenlist (who claimed to be satu faculty with me sebab ramai kengkawan dia adalah kawan faculty i)

Now... may be a few dalam newly added frens ni ada his friends... tapi mostly awek je kan? Perasan tak??

Since I have that habit, I dont want la kekasih jadi orang cem tu.. Tak best la kan.. Nak nak terpampang dia "in a relationship" with me.. And that makes me a loser as well..

So he said nicely and calmly, asking me to trust him and stop jadi paranoid... 

After 11 minutes of pondering (while he was waiting on the other end of the phone).. I said ok.. Walau cemana pon, I have to say I trust him sebab to cling to every bits of his life akan buat dia rimas betul?

And that's how this entry comes into existence...

The questions I have in mind are:-

1) Am I really scare of losing him; or

2) Am I scared that I lost control of our relationship?

I love him so frickin' much but I dont really show it sebab sejarah mengajar byk benda (of which Im not going to waste my time, writing them here)..

And I need to set a line and maintain in the zone where I take care of my relationship enough and step out from the paranoia zone yang, well, blh membunuh tu..

Then another question comes

HOW DO I DO IT??

Much Love + Respect,